If there were one thing in my life that I could erase all memory of, it would be a relationship with one seriously lousy friend. A lousy friend who thought he was a great friend. A person who, had I known what it would eventually lead to, I would have never have emotionally involved myself with.
Don't get me wrong. I wasn't victimized. It's my fault! I am the one who continued to make something out of nothing from 15 years ago. I'm the one who romanticized and fantasized and twisted all of my memories into something unlike any reality between any two real people. I watch too many movies and read too many books! I have a wild and overactive imagination.
My biggest failure and shame was ignoring sign after sign that this person was not really someone that I cared for. So many times I just turned my intellectual head and allowed myself to be charmed by someone juvenile and emotionally retarded. Some people do not have a depth of character or of emotion. Those people may be lots of fun or fine to be buddies with and to each his own for sure, but for me to involve myself in the way I did was foolhardy. And I knew it all along. I'm not a gullible person. For someone to "fool" me, I have to help them by fooling myself.
I severed ties with this person months ago for my own good and the good of my family. I wasted one whole year of my life trying to make reality out of a shitpile. And the final month of that year was a disaster. He no more knew the real me during that time than I know the real Ron Paul. I know a month is no time at all but it is at least enough time to tell who really loves you and who would much rather love themselves. Especially when you knew it all along but you were putting things to the final test. I was not the slightest bit surprised by the outcome, but it still hurt. It hurt so bad that I still feel sick thinking about it.
Therefore...I just don't think about it anymore. I have to endure the occasional surprise of seeing their sickening face online by accident. Tonight for some reason, this particular unwanted surprise physically nauseated me. I hate that! And what makes it worse is knowing the kind of person he really is. I know that if he were to read this blog, he would naturally know who he was. I also know how he would react to it. He would love it that it bothers me -take it as some sort of sick triumph. He would go to all of his facebook buddies that I am also friends with and tell them to post pictures of him or something just to get under my skin. He'd have a good laugh at my expense. Fuck that. All I'm left with now is hate. And I am no good at hating. Just no FUCKING GOOD AT IT! It takes too much of my energy.
But I do. I hate.
I also love. And have always loved. Somehow, I am loved back. My most recent text from Evan, after discussing all of the above with him:
"Love U! Relax, hon, ur a great girl, a great friend, a great wife, and a great mother! I'm lucky to b able 2 say ur mine."
What the fuck can twist a person's brain so badly that they could "walk out" on someone like Evan? I still have a long road ahead of me before I will forgive myself for the things I have done to my family.
I'm so sorry.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I Hate Hating
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2 comments:
Crap, i guess i will for once have to break the agreement of not making contact.
If there is one thing i cant stand is things being said in a serious way about me that arent (or at least for the most part) entirely true.
I think you need to rethink most of what you said here. Not saying she isnt correct or incorrect, but since none of this is put into any perspective its hard to point things out. Obviously i am the devil according to this, but one must remember the situation, the timing, and the BLATANT misreading.
Im not here to voice one way or the other on this, its your journal, but at least put it into perspective and be unbiased about it.
Side note, yes i know this pretty much guarentees everything from here out will be private or self-censored.
Also i have to chuckle at most of the direct insults in there as you really misread something along the way about me since none of it is based in reality when it involves you.
P.S. I am the dude she was talking about
actually Devil, I think you have misread. I read the whole thing twice and still fail to see how that post had anything to do with you outside of how you affected her and how she feels and thinks. The need to even comment speaks volumes about the ego of the commenter. Journals are meant to be biased, they are meant to be personal, they are meant to be the voice of the writer and may reflect the individual prejudices of said writer...if you feel a need to explain yourself or actions start your own blog and you can say whatever you want with whichever perspective youd like...but what i read there said that she is not happy with feeling the hate and what that does to her, not a personal attack in those paragraphs, just statements of fact as she sees them....which is why i read her blog, for HER perspective. This isnt a news broadcast of unbiased facts...its a personal blog. if you dont like what you read dont read it.
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