I Hate Hating

If there were one thing in my life that I could erase all memory of, it would be a relationship with one seriously lousy friend. A lousy friend who thought he was a great friend. A person who, had I known what it would eventually lead to, I would have never have emotionally involved myself with.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't victimized. It's my fault! I am the one who continued to make something out of nothing from 15 years ago. I'm the one who romanticized and fantasized and twisted all of my memories into something unlike any reality between any two real people. I watch too many movies and read too many books! I have a wild and overactive imagination.

My biggest failure and shame was ignoring sign after sign that this person was not really someone that I cared for. So many times I just turned my intellectual head and allowed myself to be charmed by someone juvenile and emotionally retarded. Some people do not have a depth of character or of emotion. Those people may be lots of fun or fine to be buddies with and to each his own for sure, but for me to involve myself in the way I did was foolhardy. And I knew it all along. I'm not a gullible person. For someone to "fool" me, I have to help them by fooling myself.

I severed ties with this person months ago for my own good and the good of my family. I wasted one whole year of my life trying to make reality out of a shitpile. And the final month of that year was a disaster. He no more knew the real me during that time than I know the real Ron Paul. I know a month is no time at all but it is at least enough time to tell who really loves you and who would much rather love themselves. Especially when you knew it all along but you were putting things to the final test. I was not the slightest bit surprised by the outcome, but it still hurt. It hurt so bad that I still feel sick thinking about it.

Therefore...I just don't think about it anymore. I have to endure the occasional surprise of seeing their sickening face online by accident. Tonight for some reason, this particular unwanted surprise physically nauseated me. I hate that! And what makes it worse is knowing the kind of person he really is. I know that if he were to read this blog, he would naturally know who he was. I also know how he would react to it. He would love it that it bothers me -take it as some sort of sick triumph. He would go to all of his facebook buddies that I am also friends with and tell them to post pictures of him or something just to get under my skin. He'd have a good laugh at my expense. Fuck that. All I'm left with now is hate. And I am no good at hating. Just no FUCKING GOOD AT IT! It takes too much of my energy.

But I do. I hate.

I also love. And have always loved. Somehow, I am loved back. My most recent text from Evan, after discussing all of the above with him:

"Love U! Relax, hon, ur a great girl, a great friend, a great wife, and a great mother! I'm lucky to b able 2 say ur mine."

What the fuck can twist a person's brain so badly that they could "walk out" on someone like Evan? I still have a long road ahead of me before I will forgive myself for the things I have done to my family.

I'm so sorry.

I Love My Life

Why?

Because it is epic. I know I am a wretched bitch who does nothing but complain during certain hormonal peaks and valleys, but you need to realize I am actually quite content. I just have my moments of spazzation. What broad doesn't?

There is absolutely no reason for anyone close to me in my life to still roll with me after the things I have done. But somehow, some way, I managed to at least exercise good judgment when it came to choosing my closest friends along the way. *whew* I never cease to be amazed at the love in my life. Starting at the inner circle with Evan (who is and always has been and always will be the best and most priceless friend that a woman could ask for) and trickling all the way down to the ladies and [few] gents who I work with and only see from time to time - I feel massive amounts of love. I don't know what I have done to deserve it and I am painfully aware of the things I have done to disqualify me from it. It's actually a pleasant mystery I ponder often. All I can tell you is that I am thankful for it.

In addition to the super folks in my life, I am quite fond of what I do with myself. Even while my tea business is on hiatus, I am able to do work that makes me proud and that I honestly enjoy. Rarely is there a day that I don't want to go to work. And when I don't feel like it - which is very rare - it's DSW that I shun. Never the Masquerade.

8 months ago I walked into a Halloween store and walked out with the best imaginable part-time job for me. My work at the Masquerade has resulted in so many awesome things. I have made one of the best friends that I have in my life right now. I heart The Chuck. I have met some fun and creative guys and girls that I feel enriched for knowing. And I have gotten paid to do something that I love more than anything - play dress up! They just paid me to spend 3 days at the Steel City Con dressed like a pirate and (on the 3rd day) Wonder Woman. It was truly a notable experience that led me to discover a couple of amazing people who are doing wonderful things for the world. Check out the Lake Erie Pirates (they have pics of me on there) and the 501st Legion. Good stuff.

But I won't let DSW go without a mention here. I do enjoy it there. I've met lots of nice people. And I have to say they are a company that rewards hard work and responsibility. They actually asked me if I'd be interested in a full-time management position while they were looking to fill it. I was flattered but obviously couldn't let them invest time in training me when I knew I wouldn't be there for much longer. Just yesterday, one manager made me feel awesome when he wouldn't let me just quit altogether at the end of the month like I intended to. Haha. I was surprised and again flattered to know that I had "proven myself worthy" of a little perk where I can work one little shift a week (of my chosing), thereby keeping my discount! Woohoo! Plus I don't yet have to say goodbye to them.

Things are also looking up for my jewelry. I did the Oddmall last week and it was a great marketing and networking experience. I didn't make enough to justify travelling so far for a show, but I gained valuable experience, info, and - I think - fans. I have sold a number of pricy items in the last couple of months. Helps to make the ends meet, ya know? Also helps to support my crafting addiction. I'm looking forward to having the tearoom back so that I will have a permanent showplace for my work.

OK, it's time for bed. It's like 1AM and there are at least 5 hours before Evan returns from Vegas. Can't wait.

And my daughter is the best kid ever. I just felt I needed to add that to this because it is such a happy post. She brings the happy like it's her job. Haha.

I Love Laughing 'Till It Hurts

And that is exactly what I did at the Jon Lajoie show last night. That guy is so funny that it hurts me a little bit. The absolute most insanely funny thing he did was the "remix" of the Ghostbusters theme song. As he sang it, it occurred to me that I should have brought my Ghostbusters DVD for him to sign. That would have been perfect. Next time, I guess. Because I will see him again if he comes back.

I have to thank Hart for being the one who first brought him to my attention. Thanks!!!!! You posted the "Show Me Your Genitals" video forever ago and I was hooked. He closed the show with that song and even wore the whole amazing outfit.

Here's our picture. Yeah, he made that exact face in every one he took.

I Love Jon Lajoie (still)

Tonight is the night. We get to go see Jon in all his glory at The Improv.

I Love Zombie Shoes

My friend, Tony, always sends me links to crazy things he knows I will love.

This was his most recent discovery...I WANT!

Zombie Stomper Platform Peep Toes