I Hate Blogging

I haven't written anything since December! I guess that's because I've been too busy...or I just have nothing to say. Probably a bit of both. I don't even know why I started this blog. It must have been during a time when I felt it necessary to remember everything forever. Undoubtedly, an insecure time. Now I think I'm doing too much and I accept that I can't recall it all. Also, I'm very content. This is a new chapter for me. I've never felt contentment on this scale.

It must be all the crafting...haha.

Maybe I can start listing photos of things I make. That's a good thing to journal. I've done a lot of work on this blogger page so I don't want to completely abandon it. Whatever, I'll think of something. Uhm...

MOST IMPORTANT DEVELOPMENTS SINCE DECEMBER (in no particular order):
1. Working full-time @ Masquerade.
2. Made an "epic" new friend, thanks to the job.
3. My Sis-in-Law is my crafting soul mate.
4. AntiquiTea is open!
5. I can sew now.

Not too shabby. Go me.

I Love Bein' Less Large, More In Charge!

Holy Jesus, it's been a while since I've been on the Bloggerspotter. It isn't for any lack of post-worthy happenings. I just haven't had much time. Halloween was - OF COURSE - busy for me. Going from working 15 hrs a week to almost 40 was a shock to my life. Work, work, work. I like work. But then nothing slowed down between Thanksgiving and Christmas, naturally. That is a good thing because it means I have my life back in order. I'm living my life in a much better way than I was a year ago. I'm all grown up again or some such nonsense.



The main thing on my mind has been my work situation. Immediately after Halloween I decided to satisfy my curiosity and ask Mel (then the store manager) if I even had a shot at the assistant manager spot. I didn't want to bail on the tearoom but money talks, and benefits, and vacation time, and all the good stuff that comes along with a "real job." My Mom understood. Mel was shocked because he didn't realize that I was a possible candidate. That threw him into a tizzy of talking to our regional manager and forcing them to reveal what they had in mind for the position. We waited for what seemed like an eternity while this person talked to that person and that dude checked with another guy. I thought I'd never know.



Enter change. I arrived one day to unsettling news. Mel was no longer with the company. I think I actually shed a tear or two. It was quite a shock. The news was given to me by Bill. Bill had been the fill-in assistant for Halloween since Chucky left us. The store was now his. I was his pick for assistant, no questions asked. This put me into quite a confused state of mind. Could I work with Bill as well as I had with Mel? I decided I could. But there was a catch. The assistant manager position was no longer a full-time job. It was going to be 30-35 hours a week with a higher hourly rate. No assistants in any of the permanent stores has full-time stature. I had to chew it over and ultimately decided not to go for it. I figured that my Mom wouldn't be able to give me what they were offering hourly, but if I was going to work that many hours with no bennies I would rather be at AntiquiTea. It was no contest.



Enter madness. Now all I had to do was wait until the tearoom was opened and then I'd say goodbye to my awesome Halloween job. My perfect place to work. It was bumming me out, but it wasn't a huge deal. I had made my decision and I was relieved. But NOOOOOOO! It couldn't be that easy. I never really gave much thought to how much they like me in this company. I just always try to do the best job I can. Apparently, as employees of the Masquerade, LLC go, I'm some bright shining star. Bill told me he was making the company a counter-offer and that the very tippy-top of the company was involved. I was plunged back into the unknown. I had more waiting to do...ugh.



Enter clarity. They came to decide that I am worth making an exception for. Thank you, Masquerade. I'm happy to stay. I have less than 2 days before I am officially the full-time assistant manager of their Robinson store. I'm still a little surprised. This should be an interesting ride.

Peace out.

I Love Drunk Evan

I just got back to Earth from one long-ass weekend. My personal favorite highlight was when Evan was hammered at the casino after his birthday party on Friday. We were talking about how hard it was to actually say goodbye to everyone because of how big the place is and that people are scattered. So he says, "I had a GREAT time, fuck'em!" Haha. Then he's shouting it out to everyone we pass. Then he taps this old security guard on the arm and goes, "Fuck'em, right? Fuck'em! We had a great time." Classic. The guy was laughing pretty hard. Then I laughed my ass of the whole way home because of how loud the muffler on the car is. I just remember Brent was driving and trying so hard not to hit the gas and make it super-loud so we went like 7 MPH the whole way. Meeeeeemmmmories.

Saturday we went to the Rex for the Lemonwilde show. It was pretty much a 1998 Montour high school reunion. Fortunately, all those kids rock so I had a blast. We helped Ter out by setting up and working the merch table. I scored the only little pink t-shirt they had. Payment, you know? I earned it. Although I swore up and down that I was going home after the show to rest up for Ivy's b-day party the next day...(I try)...we ended up at Dee's with everyone until they booted us out. I hooked back up with a gal I haven't seen in years and hopefully I will see more of. We want to join forces to promote Ter's next show there in December. I just found this pic of us on their website.



On Sunday I peeled myself from bed to throw a birthday party for Ivy's 3rd. That went ridiculously smooth! Many, many thanks to Jen for having it at her place. I would never have been able to have a party like that with food/presents/kids in my house so comfortably. And many thanks to everyone who helped out with food/decorations. It was a really good time and she was such a good girl all day. Really, really, really good. I was so proud of her. :-D

We're having a Halloween Party here on Saturday. I haven't had one in years. I'm pretty geeked. I had better go finish my costume now instead of sitting at the computer all day.

I Love Killface

I Love Andrew WK

He's just special. What's not to love?



Andrew WK + Conan O'Brien = Nicole's head explodes because she's so happy.

I Hate Mary Jo

I guess I shouldn't say that I hate her. I don't even know her. I will never meet her. I will just continue to be reminded of her existence until I get a new phone number some day.

I've had my phone number for at least 3 years. I just know I've had the same one for Ivy's whole life and then some. It's probably more like 4+ years. Anyway, when I first had it (the first year or so) I received many phone calls for a woman named Mary Jo. It was mainly pharmacies and what sounded like really old ladies. My assumption? That Mary Jo was dead and that I had gotten what used to be her phone number.

A long time passed where I never received a call for her. Until about 6 months ago. I started getting calls from the Social Security Administration, banks, and Doctor's offices. Everyone I have spoken with informs me that this is the number that she is giving out. I'm pretty sure some people thought I was lying to them. Haha. Whatever. The point is that Mary Jo is alive and either thinks that my phone number is really hers or she is from the simpler, 7-digit days of Pittsburgh and doesn't include the area code. This could lead people to automatically call 412 instead of 724????? Make any sense?

One of these days I will try calling the number with 724. But it scares me. Sike, just kidding. I just feel bad calling some old woman and saying, "Get out of my life, you old biddy."

Finally, the weird thing about the situation. I love crazy coincidences like this. Guess what Mary Jo's last name is.

KNOUSE (jeepers, jinkies, and zoinks)

I Love MeowKiki

THEY'RE MINE, ALLLLLL MINE! I feel like some kind of champion. Her work is TO DIE FOR. Every so often, she has a 9.99 ebay sale and I always try to get something. I wasn't counting on winning 4 items, but they're soooooo worth it. I've wanted that space hoodies for like EVER. Plus, I've been selling a lot of stuff lately so I feel free to shop now and then. Aren't I always preaching to buy handmade? There, I'm practicing what I preach.

Off to do a quick Freshwater Designs blog...

I Love The Renaissance Festival

I'm blown away by the fact that Ivy wanted a crown so bad that she actually got on that ride! There is hope for us taking her to Kennywood next year, after all. The little goofball is growing up. She had a great time on Sunday. So did we. I could spend days at the Renfest just because of the art/clothing/crafts. We ended up with another print from Delight. She's so pleasant that we always end up buying from her.

There was a booth that sells clothing where they had this handworked, purple, leather fairy costume...I should have taken a picture. It was $1500.00 and worth every last cent. The wings alone were sick enough. They were also made from leather and came to a point with these claws at the end. Oh to be rich. I would have bought it in a second. Delight told me that some heavy woman tried it on and left her granny panties on underneath it. This was a sexy, revealing outfit, mind you. I hear it was an interesting sight. Haha. Sorry i missed the show.

On Friday (going back in time here), we pulled another South Side all-nighter...and when you have to work in the AM on Sat, that is NEVER a good idea. I have a vague recollection of coming out of Dee's and devouring a Mike and Tony's gyro on some steps. Mmmmm...that's the best kind of meal. Frickin' Dee's with their 5.00 pitchers. That's devil magic there. Earlier in the night, there was this gorgeous Asian girl at Tiki who was just so starved for attention that she pretty much stripper danced all over the place all night. I am proud to have made her dance with the old drunk guy in the corner. That was classic. When I told her to do it, she actually looked at me all creeped out and said, "REALLY?" So, uhm, yeah, the hooker at the bar had standards. Of course I made her do it and it was great...particularly because he got all into it and his pants were falling down and everyone could see his tightey whiteys. Classic. I'm like a comedy coreographer.

Yesterday I went to Volant for a Tea Association meeting. The lady's shop...what was it called again???? Anyways, it was really cute. She had a tea tasting bar and a little gift shop. I MISS THE TEAROOM. Everytime I visit another one, I am reminded of how superior AntiquiTea is to all of the others. I hate to be like that, but it's the God's honest truth! It's coming along now, though. My Dad is finishing up on the plumbing, the rooms are getting painted/wallpapered/trimmed out. It's going to be so fantastic. I will miss the Masquerade, but whatever.

Yeah, I said Masquerade. And I have to touch on this before I forget about it. Chuck is gone. He got another job. It sucks so bad now because the guy replacing him for the Halloween season is an auditor for the company. He's more "by the books" than our store manager is. It's more like a real job now. Chuck and I have been friends and hanging out since I met him there a year ago. Nothing beats working with a good friend, especially when they're your boss...ESPECIALLY when they're Chuck. If I wasn't leaving after the Holiday, I would have taken his job in .02 milliseconds. And I know I could have had it. Why couldn't he have left us 6 months ago when I could have had the full-time, salaried position for a while? Ugh. Bad timing there. At any rate, it sucks that hes gone and it sucks to have this perfect job dangling in front of my face when I know I can't take it...booooooooooo!

On a lighter note, life is grand. Love it. Laters.

I Love Doing Things

Haha, whatever. I'm bored and lazy right now. I have nothing interesting to write about.

All I've been doing is working here, working there, and working everywhere. I did another hard labor mission at the tearoom. Finished up some painting that needed done. Boring. I spent hours by myself in a little cubby-hole that is going to be as a server station. My dad gave me lessons in painting and sanding door trim. My dad is hilarious. He's the most insane perfectionist I know. I love going out there and working with him.

Evan and I went up to Nunny's (future Moon Run party central) yesterday after deciding to hold off on the Renaissance Festival until next weekend. Eff you, rain!!! I grabbed a hammer and started an obsessive nail pulling tornado. I must have cleaned out thousands of them. I love that sort of mindless, repetative work. My hands be hurtin' today. Evan finished ripping out the walls in what will be our bedroom. There was so much soot underneath that we looked like dirty little kids. It was pretty hilarious. The shower water was black, needless to say. Now I totally understand the concept of "lather, rinse, repeat...as needed." I'm not afraid to get dirty. And no one had ever accuse me of being a girly-girl after all the times I have had to deal with sewage backups in this curret house of mine.

But dammit I was looking forward to the Renfest since we missed it last year. Last year at this time, my life was a nightmare. Now that things are back to normal (sort of), doing things like that is almost purifying. Plus, the Freshes bought our tickets. Sweet. Free is my favorite 4 letter F-word.

And speaking of what a rotten NERD I am...I got a Halloween costume for Ivy. It's a dragon. It is the cutest thing ever. I decided not to spend a lot of time or money on hers this year since she is so picky about what she wears. I got the costume at work for nothing and she loves it. She was running around in it the other day and going, "roar roar roar roar roar." Hehe, she's the best kid. She said, "Thank you so much for my costume, Mommy. Thanks for buying it for me." She's not even 3 and she has better manners than I do.

I have much work to do on mine and Evan's costumes for this year. I can't wait! Halloween was such a draaaaaaaaag last year thanks to my head being up my ass. I had fun at the party I went to, but it was lacking Evan and that sucks. I look forward to making up for it this year.

Meh, I guess it's time to get off of my ass and do something...

I Hate Being Sore

I'm a freaking weakling. I painted at the tearoom for like 5 hours straight yesterday and now I am sore sore sore. Sucks. Evan and I went to dinner and then to see District 9 (see it) last night with the intention of going for drinks afterward. Haha, we were on the way home and I couldn't figure out why I was so tired. I ended up on the couch and ready for bed before 2! It dawns on me this morning that I worked harder yesterday in the heat than I have in a while. Duh. That explains the tired.

There's a bright side to this. I painted at the tearoom! It's so exciting to see things on the upswing out there. I've had little or nothing to do with the operation over the past several months - since there wasn't much I COULD do. Plus I was working my ass off at 2 jobs for awhile, which didn't leave me much time. I'm finally quitting DSW after this month. It's kinda pointless to work one day a week and not at all some weeks. I will still have my discount until January, so that is cool. Anyways, that will free up time now that the Masquerade is getting busier and busier. The final stages of the tearoom and its opening are cutting it very close to Halloween. Haha, it WOULD work out that way so that I will be working 24/7 between both during October. Oh well, that's why I've been planning Halloween costumes and such for months already. I figured October would be mad busy. I suppose it will then be time to say farewell to the Masquerade. That's one hell of a bummer. I love that store. But nothing in the world can top being your own boss. Nothing.

Speaking of being my own boss, I am amazed at how well Freshwater Designs is doing! All of the sudden I'm selling stuff left and right. And it's not cheap stuff either. My mind has begun to revel in the thought that avoiding housework in the name of creativity might finally be paying off. Too bad that success and money making equals more taxes. Bastards.

And speaking of Freshwater Designs...I am kind of bursting with ideas lately. I don't know where it all comes from. I can't shut it off. I fear that I may be wearing myself out by dabbling in too many other crafts. Then again, one can never have too many artistic outlets. I guess I will just keep selling anything I can make. Why not? And when AntiquiTea opens, I will be ready with product coming out the wazoo.

Time to get back into my creativity cave...because I ain't doing those dishes today.

I Love The Magical Feeling of Cardboard

I'm having an epic summer of adventure. I can't even really go into any of it because I would be here all day. Concerts, birthdays (mine and others), roller skating, zombie walk, raising anti-cake armies, other stuff I'm forgetting. I'm just going to keep going before that there tearoom opens and I begin working my little rear end off. We have walls...WALLS!!! Where there are new walls, there's a new business getting ready to open.

My best birthday gift...

Skull Polka Dot Houndstooth Skirt

I Love Sexy Purses

Damn, this is hot. Num num num.

I Love 'I Am Legend', I Hate 'I Am Legend'

I very recently read I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. It's a great book. I was genuinely stressed while reading it, which is how I know. In Nicole's world, everything is measurable by emotions.

Last night, we sat down to watch the latest movie adaptation because Evan finished up reading the book. I knew it was going to be nothing like the book - both because everyone and their mother hinted at it and because of seeing the trailers for myself. Some changes don't bother me as long as they make sense when translating a novel to film. Of course, modernizing a story from the 1950's is a must. The typical movie-watching minds can't handle anything "old-fashioned". I don't begrudge Hollywood that. Gotta make money. But, while I understood certain changes (ie, adding the dog from the beginning just to give him someone to talk to and develop character), I am sad that they put such a respectable title on that pathetic excuse for a movie. It was loooooosely based on the novel, at best.

Am I biased? Of course I am! One of my favorite Vincent Price movies is the original movie based on Matheson's book. They called it The Last Man on Earth. While it was dissimilar from the novel in many ways, it was still far more worthy of the I Am Legend title than this Will Smith nightmare.

A note about CGI. I hate it anymore. I hated the boring, screamy, annoying creatures in this movie. There was nothing interesting about them at all. I'll take those hammy looking zombie things from The Last Man on Earth anyday! Makeup and acting, please! No more shitty CGI creeps. And exactly where did the inspiration for them come from (if there was any)? Certainly not from the book.

And let's not forget about The Omega Man from the 70's. I love that movie, too. It was also loosely based on the novel, but they had the decency not to put the same name on it.

I think my bitterness against brainless entertainment is the reason I read what I read. I read classic horror and sci-fi because it is philosophical. It makes you think. On top of that, it scares you and stresses you out. Bonus. And I get irritated that many movies are so vapid. Especially when they drag respectable entertainment down with them.

I Am Legend was about mankind moving on. It was about one man's emotional roller-coaster and survival - not about monsters. They're just the dramatic and exciting backdrop that the real story is played against. It ultimately ends with Robert Neville's realization that he's the freak now, the last of his kind, the legend. Remember that Twilight Zone episode called "Eye of the Beholder?" Kinda like that. I see none of this in the movie I watched last night.

Why so pissy, Nicole? What does it matter? It doesn't. But it's what I think. Haha.

I Love Dying For The Day

James, my love, you have convinced me that I am better off dead. I thank you for this. Now why-oh why-are you so young?

I've never gotten to do the Zombie Walk, so I will. It's my b-day month so I can make Evan take me anywhere I want...and I can also make him dress/act like an idiot. Haha.

Any of my other theatrical type friendzors want to come?

I Love My Birthday

I'm going roller skating. Done! July 25th. Check Facebook for details.

More on that later, but for now I wanted to share this delicious little goody. I thought she sold this on Etsy and I felt a little sad. FALSE! I found it on her official site. *eeeeeeeeeee* Everyone is always asking what I want for the b-day so here's something I really really really want ...

Gold Skully Chains Skirt

Pretty please with sugar on top?

I Love Alex

I have been so busy. Busy having fun, that is. I got to see NIN a couple of Wednesdays ago. Why is Trent Reznor so hot?!?!?!?!? He looks better than he ever did when I was in high school (when I really had the hardcore love for him). Guess some people just get better with age. And kicking drugs will help anyone's appearance.

Speaking of that, is Perry Farrell no longer on heroin? He looks like he maybe gained 20 pounds. I'm not a fan, but still nice to see him looking almost human. Evan is more of a Jane's Addiction fan, so we stayed for their whole show.

Concerts, concerts, concerts...Phish was last week. Ohmyfuckinggod, I love them. I always reach that point at their shows when I am so absorbed in their playing that I kinda feel like I'm no longer on Earth. NO, I was not on any hallucinogens. I didn't even eat one bite of Mike's delicious Betty Crockers this time. Drugs never hurt a show, but I just decided to avoid the inevitable "nerves" I get when they wear off.

The show was spectacular, as always. I realize what it is about a Phish show that you never see at any other concert...unity. There is a unity between fans. I've talked to numerous people who work or have worked at the Ampitheater and even they can sense the difference. I love the hundreds of beach balls and balloons bouncing all over the crowd. I even love the anticipation of being hit in the head by flying glowsticks. When you go to the bathroom, people are still dancing all over the place out on the sides. The sidewalks are jammed with people having a blast. There were 21,000 people at the show, and I'm just so thankful to have been one of them. They stopped playing at midnight because they had to, but you get the distinct impression that they would have stayed longer...

Oh well, whatever. I could go on and on but I'll segway into Paul and Mary's visit. They were here from Philly for the show. It's always so great to see them. This time, I finally got to meet their little girl, Denali. She's adorable and, of course, Ivy loved her. Jen planned her housewarming party to include them. That was Friday. It was a blast. Paul and Mary came back after taking Denali home to bed and we lucked out when Brent and Brittani decided to steal Ivy for the night. I spent a long while talking drunken politics and religion with Paul. He's the best. Haha. I know, I know, sounds like a riot! But you just can't put a price on friends you really connect with like that.

We also got a visit from Terry last week. Sadly, he missed Jen's party but we all hung out on Wednesday so it's cool. It's always great to see him. I can't believe he's been in LA for like 4 years now!

Time to move on to the best news of all...in my mind. Late at the party when all the little kiddies had run off to bed and it was (as often happens) me hanging with Alex...he made my life. He really wants a dog and needs a very small one. After seeing my little MinPins, he decided he would like to adopt Irene on a trial basis! Irene is our third canine addition to the family. She's a good little dog but has always had so much trouble going with the flow here in this crowded house. We have waffled for a long time about taking her back to her previous owner, but just never had the balls to throw in the towel. So I told Alex to talk to me when we were sober. But he insisted that he was serious and that he wanted me to go with him to pick out a crate for her and stuff the next day! Sleep deprivation and my goofy work schedule stopped us from getting together on Saturday, but we made a plan for today. In fact he literally just texted me for the 5th time today. Haha, I think the man is excited. I hope it works out. I won't be the slightest bit upset if he decides he can't handle her at the end of a month, but I will be SUPER EXCITED if Irene finds her true home. The little pup just needs more attention than we have to give.

Thank you, Alex!

I Love Men's Purple Whatever This Thing Is...

OK, I'm sorry but this may be one of the funniest things I have ever seen! I came across it on Ebay while searching for pieces to make my Halloween costume. Um, what I am looking for is nothing like this...

I Love This One

This DownsizeDC email, that is...

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D o w n s i z e r - D i s p a t c h

---

Quote of the Day: "When a government controls both the economic power of individuals and the coercive power of the state ... this violates a fundamental rule of happy living: Never let the people with all the money and the people with all the guns be the same people." -- P. J. O'Rourke

Subject: When Will Americans Grow Up?

Three of the very most important issues of the moment are...

* The planned re-design of the economy through a "cap and trade" system to limit CO2 emissions
* The planned re-design of our health care system by increasing government involvement at all levels
* The massive expansion of the money supply by the Fed, which threatens hyper-inflation

But will the media and the American people be able to maintain an adult focus on any of these issues, or will they instead spend the next few weeks obsessing about the merits and de-merits of one person -- President Obama's new nominee for the Supreme Court.

Sadly, American adulthood is sometimes more fiction than fact. We predict that the national discussion will now focus on the new Supreme Court nominee and that most of the debate will resemble a high school campaign for class president. It will be driven by adolescent partisan tribal loyalties, and will overlook one overwhelming fact...

Any Supreme Court nomination made by any president from either party is almost certain to be bad. To think otherwise is to ignore history. Remember, for instance, the Kelo decision, in which...

* Supposedly liberal justices endorsed using the coercive power of the state to enrich corporations, yet...
* joining the liberal justices with the deciding vote was the now-retiring Justice Souter, who had been appointed by a supposedly conservative president

Partisan political appointments are no different than partisan political elections. They serve the interest of the political class, NOT your interest. We're reminded of the spot-on way "The Onion" satirical newspaper summed up a recent election. Their headline read, "Politicians Sweep Midterm Elections."

Exactly.

No matter whom you elect, the politicians win. No matter whom a president appoints to the Supreme Court, the politicians win. And every time we expend energy debating personalities, labels, or political parties, the politicians win.

Debates about personalities should be left to High School sophomores. Instead, we need an adult focus on the vital issues. We need to show the politicians that we're focused on WHAT they're doing, and NOT on WHO is doing it.

We can demonstrate this adult focus by constantly increasing...

* The pressure we place on Congress about essential issues
* The size of the army exerting this pressure
* The financial resources we invest to educate, recruit, and exert pressure

There are now only two business days left in May. Let's exceed the 31,730 messages we sent Congress last month. We need another 861 messages sent both today and tomorrow. Let's meet the goal by hitting on all the crucial issues...

Tell your Congressional employees to oppose "cap and trade."

Use your personal comments to point out that "cap and trade" hasn't worked in Europe.

Tell your Congressional employees to permit you to buy health insurance in states other than the one in which you live.

Use your personal comments to tell them they should start with simple improvements like this, and not try to re-do the entire health care system at once.

Tell your Congressional employees to make "Honest Money" legal.

You can use your personal comments to point out that the Fed has done still more counterfeiting, raising the money supply from $1.65 trillion in March to $1.75 trillion in April.

You might even want to go one step further and call Ron Paul's office to ask why they haven't yet re-introduced the 15-word "Honest Money Act," the 104-word "Free Competition in Currency Act," and the 193-word "Tax-Free Gold Act" -- preferably, combined into one bill. Here's the number: (202) 225-2831

It doesn't matter if you've sent messages on these issues recently. Your elected representatives are your employees, and these particular employees need constant reminders. Please put in some extra effort today so we can reach our May goal. Please hit Congress on all three issues.

Thank you for being a part of the growing Downsize DC Army. To see how much we're growing please check out the Keeping Score report below my signature.

Jim Babka, President
DownsizeDC.org, Inc.

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I get lots of emails from them, but I particularly enjoyed that one.

Now I want to stop being all smarty pants and focus on how I get to go to NIN tomorrow and Phish next Thursday. Yay for playtime and for summer!

And FYI and FMI (when I look back on this someday), we are ready to put walls up at the tearoom. Joy. Me miss tearoom.

And shaweeeeeeeeeeet, Evan is on his way home. Goin' to the A-teams for the Pens game, I guess. Hooray beer!

PS, I'm awesomer than Hart.

I Hate Hating

If there were one thing in my life that I could erase all memory of, it would be a relationship with one seriously lousy friend. A lousy friend who thought he was a great friend. A person who, had I known what it would eventually lead to, I would have never have emotionally involved myself with.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't victimized. It's my fault! I am the one who continued to make something out of nothing from 15 years ago. I'm the one who romanticized and fantasized and twisted all of my memories into something unlike any reality between any two real people. I watch too many movies and read too many books! I have a wild and overactive imagination.

My biggest failure and shame was ignoring sign after sign that this person was not really someone that I cared for. So many times I just turned my intellectual head and allowed myself to be charmed by someone juvenile and emotionally retarded. Some people do not have a depth of character or of emotion. Those people may be lots of fun or fine to be buddies with and to each his own for sure, but for me to involve myself in the way I did was foolhardy. And I knew it all along. I'm not a gullible person. For someone to "fool" me, I have to help them by fooling myself.

I severed ties with this person months ago for my own good and the good of my family. I wasted one whole year of my life trying to make reality out of a shitpile. And the final month of that year was a disaster. He no more knew the real me during that time than I know the real Ron Paul. I know a month is no time at all but it is at least enough time to tell who really loves you and who would much rather love themselves. Especially when you knew it all along but you were putting things to the final test. I was not the slightest bit surprised by the outcome, but it still hurt. It hurt so bad that I still feel sick thinking about it.

Therefore...I just don't think about it anymore. I have to endure the occasional surprise of seeing their sickening face online by accident. Tonight for some reason, this particular unwanted surprise physically nauseated me. I hate that! And what makes it worse is knowing the kind of person he really is. I know that if he were to read this blog, he would naturally know who he was. I also know how he would react to it. He would love it that it bothers me -take it as some sort of sick triumph. He would go to all of his facebook buddies that I am also friends with and tell them to post pictures of him or something just to get under my skin. He'd have a good laugh at my expense. Fuck that. All I'm left with now is hate. And I am no good at hating. Just no FUCKING GOOD AT IT! It takes too much of my energy.

But I do. I hate.

I also love. And have always loved. Somehow, I am loved back. My most recent text from Evan, after discussing all of the above with him:

"Love U! Relax, hon, ur a great girl, a great friend, a great wife, and a great mother! I'm lucky to b able 2 say ur mine."

What the fuck can twist a person's brain so badly that they could "walk out" on someone like Evan? I still have a long road ahead of me before I will forgive myself for the things I have done to my family.

I'm so sorry.

I Love My Life

Why?

Because it is epic. I know I am a wretched bitch who does nothing but complain during certain hormonal peaks and valleys, but you need to realize I am actually quite content. I just have my moments of spazzation. What broad doesn't?

There is absolutely no reason for anyone close to me in my life to still roll with me after the things I have done. But somehow, some way, I managed to at least exercise good judgment when it came to choosing my closest friends along the way. *whew* I never cease to be amazed at the love in my life. Starting at the inner circle with Evan (who is and always has been and always will be the best and most priceless friend that a woman could ask for) and trickling all the way down to the ladies and [few] gents who I work with and only see from time to time - I feel massive amounts of love. I don't know what I have done to deserve it and I am painfully aware of the things I have done to disqualify me from it. It's actually a pleasant mystery I ponder often. All I can tell you is that I am thankful for it.

In addition to the super folks in my life, I am quite fond of what I do with myself. Even while my tea business is on hiatus, I am able to do work that makes me proud and that I honestly enjoy. Rarely is there a day that I don't want to go to work. And when I don't feel like it - which is very rare - it's DSW that I shun. Never the Masquerade.

8 months ago I walked into a Halloween store and walked out with the best imaginable part-time job for me. My work at the Masquerade has resulted in so many awesome things. I have made one of the best friends that I have in my life right now. I heart The Chuck. I have met some fun and creative guys and girls that I feel enriched for knowing. And I have gotten paid to do something that I love more than anything - play dress up! They just paid me to spend 3 days at the Steel City Con dressed like a pirate and (on the 3rd day) Wonder Woman. It was truly a notable experience that led me to discover a couple of amazing people who are doing wonderful things for the world. Check out the Lake Erie Pirates (they have pics of me on there) and the 501st Legion. Good stuff.

But I won't let DSW go without a mention here. I do enjoy it there. I've met lots of nice people. And I have to say they are a company that rewards hard work and responsibility. They actually asked me if I'd be interested in a full-time management position while they were looking to fill it. I was flattered but obviously couldn't let them invest time in training me when I knew I wouldn't be there for much longer. Just yesterday, one manager made me feel awesome when he wouldn't let me just quit altogether at the end of the month like I intended to. Haha. I was surprised and again flattered to know that I had "proven myself worthy" of a little perk where I can work one little shift a week (of my chosing), thereby keeping my discount! Woohoo! Plus I don't yet have to say goodbye to them.

Things are also looking up for my jewelry. I did the Oddmall last week and it was a great marketing and networking experience. I didn't make enough to justify travelling so far for a show, but I gained valuable experience, info, and - I think - fans. I have sold a number of pricy items in the last couple of months. Helps to make the ends meet, ya know? Also helps to support my crafting addiction. I'm looking forward to having the tearoom back so that I will have a permanent showplace for my work.

OK, it's time for bed. It's like 1AM and there are at least 5 hours before Evan returns from Vegas. Can't wait.

And my daughter is the best kid ever. I just felt I needed to add that to this because it is such a happy post. She brings the happy like it's her job. Haha.